Simon Cowell drafted in to run Tory Leadership contest.

UK Politics
Simon Cowell drafted in to run Tory Leadership contest

As Theresa May’s future as PM hangs in the balance, The Tory Party are poised for a potential Leadership contest.

And Simon Cowell has been drafted in to run the auditions.

Ably assisted by Louis Walsh and political puppet Owen Jones who will use his hatred of anything centre-left or beyond to heap criticism on the candidates.

Here’s our rundown of the Bookie’s favourites…

…their tragic backstories, and what they’ll need to do to impress the dark master of Pop.

Michael Gove

Current bookies favourite, the Secretary of State for the Environment has dreamed of nothing but being prime minister since he was a child and Cowell hopes that recent political history will prove a won factor with voters.

The US have led the way with their first black president, followed by their first reality TV president, and now Gove wants to ride that wave to become the first world leader who looks like a shaved b*llock.

Dominic Raab

Considered the Jason Orange of the Tory Party – cant sing, but has the right look, and by right look, he looks like a man who could easily be dropped into an English village fete, and be safe pair of hands to judge the vegetable of the year awards, allowing middle Englanders to feel comfortable in his presence.

Boris Johnson

Fans favourite Boris Johnson needs to find some new colleagues to walk all over in order to make himself look competent – but has recently reinvented himself with a new haircut, and hopes that his trendy new look will allow him to put his previous single ‘£350 million for the NHS’ behind him.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Rees-Mogg’s biggest fan is his nanny. She remembers how he sobbed into her ample bosom when he was overlooked for Head Boy, and instead was given the role of class fag. She knew then that he’d one day be in charge of something

One of the reasons Jacob is so anti-abortion is that his mother is still conducting legal proceedings to have him terminated. He just wants to make her proud because as he says, “pride is a very positive and desirable human emotion, according to this book.”

Jeremy Corbyn.

A bit left-field, but becoming Tory leader seems to be the only way he’ll ever get Labour into power – simultaneously tanking the Tory’s approval ratings because he’s arrived, while boosting Labours since he left.

In his 15 years as Producer and head judge on The X-Factor, Cowell has developed a reputation for rejecting individuals as part of a ploy to then bring them together and force them to perform in a group.

Insiders are suggesting this could be the first time a Boy Band moves into Number 10.

And despite his insistence that – unlike his reality shows – this process wouldn’t be rigged, he’s already settled on a name.

The Backstop Boys.

(Contributors: Tom Grattidge, Lee Thomas, Chris Ballard and Roy Darby)
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