Britain woke this morning to the agonising news that Prince Harry and Meghan MIGHT NOT spend Christmas at Sandringham with the queen.
The Sussexes could stay at home in Windsor. They might travel to see other family.
At this stage even the ‘experts’ that seem to spend their entire lives hanging around outside palaces wearing Union Jack’s and talking like they actually know the royal family are unable to guess with any degree of certainty just where Harry and Meghan will tuck into their turkey dinner this year.
But as the nation holds its collective breath, Harry has revealed the reason behind his reluctance to spend ‘yet another Christmas’ with his grandmother. The Duke of Sussex said, ‘She’ll just get pissed and do her “horrible anus” joke again. It’s the same every year, she’s on the gin before she’s opened her presents and by dinner, she’s giggling at cracker jokes and using the little plastic moustache to do Charlie Chaplin impressions. Then after we’ve eaten we have to listen to what she calls ‘one’s real Christmas speech’ which is basically a piss take of whatever loser happens to be prime minister at the time followed by a joke about her horrible anus and then a massive sprouty fart.’
Royal watchers fear the move could worsen tensions between the couple and the rest of the royal family.
But Harry dismissed this suggestion saying, ‘We’re just like any other family. There’ll be a huge row about who goes where for Christmas and a few people will be annoyed, but in the end the ones who go to Grandma’s will have lunch wearing a silly hat whilst shaking their head at Grandad’s generational racism, and then in the absence of any reasonable excuse to get away they’ll end up falling asleep to the Christmas special of Strictly. Whereas those of us that don’t go will have a relatively dull day which is pimped up on Instagram to make it look like our Christmas is as good as any you’ll get at the end of a soppy Christmas movie.’