Nigel Farage MEP and Brexit Party Leader has told the BBC he will not be standing for election as an MP in the 2019 General Election
“I’m going to retire at the top”, stated seven-time Westminster loser Nigel Farage, “It’s time to stand aside and let others in the Brexit Party have the opportunity to taste the sweet smell of Parliamentary Election defeat, whilst I employ myself far more effectively stirring every pot of shit, division and hatred in the country. Fully supporting the six hundred Brexit Party candidates and their loyal band of voters recovering from equine head injuries.”
Nigel Farage has failed to become an MP on seven occasions
“I can’t go wasting my time and bothering myself with constituents”, the €105,000 /year salaried MEP added, “No. I’m much better off spouting my bitter vitriol on all major political platforms on Television, my spite on my nightly radio show on LBC and whilst getting the endorsement of the President of the United States. Just think of me as the non-thinking man’s Nicola Sturgeon “.
If Nigel Farage were to become an MP he would have to resign his position as MEP
“Money does not enter into it”, countered the Arron (I Hate Greta Thunberg) Banks pay-rolled mouthpiece, “Nor does that fact that I’ve got one more year to serve as an MEP before I’m entitled to the maximum 70% final salary pension deal from the European Parliament”, he added, “No this is about me not having to suffer an eighth humiliation in some fascist backwater of the UK, with a boarded-up High Street, dodging every thinkable flavour of milkshake. As enjoyable as that is.”
In 2010 Farage contested the Speaker’s Seat of Buckingham coming third to the winner (John Bercow) and an Independent candidate accompanied by a man in a Dolphin Costume
Comedians up and down the country are said to be distraught at Mr Farage’s decision.
“I was going to change my name by deed poll to P Mantis and stand against Nigel whilst wearing a latex insect costume”, lamented Colin Chuckles (54) of Barton Stacey, “I had the dance and everything, as I would emerge from my chrysalis of environmentally friendly Co-Op shopping bags. It’s back to my original plan of standing against black belt, Dominic Raab now. Esher and Walton here I come.”