Self-employed tiler John Timms admitted he was genuinely curious to learn how the government planned to U-Turn on their promise to issue the 80% grant during the lock-down period.
“It’s obviously going to happen, the only question is… how?”
“The government claims they’ve given the NHS enough PPE. So when they say we’ll be financially taken care of, I’m preparing to get shafted harder and deeper than a mine that’s loaded with diamonds, gold and some more diamonds wrapped in loads of fucking gold.”
“I’m very hungry.” Timms added.
“The government website says they ‘aim’ to make the grant available contacting us by May ‘hopefully’ with payments ‘sometime’ in June. I guess I’ll ‘potentially’ be living on the street ‘ideally’ strong enough to wrestle food off rats that live in takeaway bins.”
“The only way this could sound more dodgy is if it was an iron clad promise personally written on the side of a bus by Boris Johnson.”
Timms claimed that currently, he and his fellow self-employed were now using their own monetary system of matchsticks.
“I bet Steve 15 matchsticks the chancellor would simply claim he’d crossed his fingers when announcing the grant, Dave put 20 matchsticks on Priti Patel declaring all painter decorators enemies of the state who need to be hunted down and imprisoned.”
At press time, it is understood Timms was trying to crackdown on the number of counterfeit matchsticks in circulation, beating a freelance web-designer for trying to pass off toothpicks with red play-doh on the end as legal tender.