Sales of alcohol in Scotland last year dropped to the lowest level since recording began in 1994. This is thought to be in part due to the introduction of minimum pricing in May 2018.
This has led to a desperate scramble in Holyrood to find a new national pastime. Questions of Brexit and independence have been left to play second fiddle to this most pressing of issues. ‘This transcends party politics,’ said First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. ‘A part of our national identity is being lost. We must all pull together in these difficult times.’
On average Scottish adults bought 19 units of alcohol per week. 5 units more than the recommended limit.
A proposed ‘Keep Scotland Drinking’ parade has already attracted significant attention on social media. User Lenny Brando posted, ‘It hurts to say this, but I have been trying to cut down on my drinking recently. I thought I was doing the right thing and I am truly sorry. I just hope no one makes the same mistake.’’
The average volume of alcohol sold is 9% higher than in England and Wales.
This has raised spirits slightly as the Scots are still beating the ‘English cowards’, those ‘soft southern bastards’ and their ‘puny livers’. No ill will has been directed towards the Welsh.
Scotland was the first country in the world to introduce a minimum price per unit for alcohol.
Joke writers and contributors to satirical news sites are devastated at the loss to their craft of such a valuable stereotype.