Believe it or not, faecal transplantation is a thing. Doctors take faecal matter from a healthy stomach, and place it directly into the bowel of a sick patient – to help their poorly gut get better.
But scientists have discovered that not all poos are created equal. Some of us have stools containing the perfect mix of healing bacteria. Those people are considered ‘Super-Donors’ – and scientists have launched a campaign to find more of them.
In a desperate PR stunt, pretending to be interested in saving the failing NHS, Theresa May has jumped on this discovery, and has prepared a list of the biggest Tory ‘shits’ – offering them up as the first set of donors.
“If anything is going to save the precious jewel in this nation’s crown (the NHS) it’ll be shit from this Conservative party!” crowed May to an assembled press pack.
“Unlike Labour, we have both quantity and quality of shit here in the Tory Party. Jacob Rees-Mogg, Iain Duncan Smith, Boris Johnson, etc. – we’re awash with top quality shite!”
Dr Justin O’Sullivan, one of the lead researchers, says that “exploring what might make a stool ‘super’ is one of their top priorities right now. One thing they do already know, however, is that a Vegan’s poo generally has more healthy bacteria than the average person.
So, despite May’s boasts, when it comes to the crème de la crème of quality shit producers, the front runner is beyond doubt the Labour MP Chris Williamson, famous for both being a vegan and being able to talk out of his face and arse simultaneously.
“Some of my friends think it is a bit weird or disgusting,” said Williamson proudly from inside a commons’ cubicle,“but it doesn’t worry me. It’s very easy to donate and I just want to help with medical research, crush the establishment and bring capitalism to its knees.”
As Mr Williamsons was chewing a Baloney sandwich at the time, our reporter could only assume he was talking out of the most useful orifice he has.