Chancellor Sajid Javid has pledged to raise the National Living Wage to £10.50 within the next five years.
And not only that, but every worker will also be entitled to a free squeeze of the thigh from none other than Prime Minister – and sweaty Lothario – Boris Johnson himself.
Sajid Javid will also lower the age threshold for those who qualify from 25 to 21.
Because as far as Boris is concerned, the closer in age to eighteen you are, the better the thigh is for grabbing. This offer only applies to females, of course.
Speaking to a packed hall at the Tory Party Conference, Mr Javid said the policy would “help the next generation of go-getters to get ahead”.
After all, there is a proven history of people who let Boris touch them receiving benefits not previously available to them, like taxpayer funded trips to the US, or the opportunity to live in Number Ten Downing Street.
Earlier this year, Labour pledged to raise the National Living Wage to £10, and were immediately derided by Conservative Party members for having an unachievable aim.
But now it is being said by someone in a Conservative cabinet, that makes it all ok, naturally.
Junior Minister Dick Splatt, MP, explained: “We want to show people that we care for them, and raising the living wage does exactly that. And on top of that, what better way to show you are in touch with working people is there than to literally touch them?
“Boris said he would personally touch the thighs of every working lass in the land, and you don’t get that commitment to public service from the Labour Party, do you?”
He added: “Oh and that £10.50 ‘living wage’ is a daily rate, rather than an hourly one, by the way. We’re not made of money, and we’ll have even less after Brexit.”