Sainsbury’s has become the first major supermarket to stop selling fireworks at its 2,300 stores across the UK.
They will be replaced by guns, rifles and bulletproof vests – sizes Medium to XXXL. Head of Sainsbury’s marketing Pete Nostra said: “One way or another it looks like Brexit is going to happen. Since our Asda merger fell through we have looked at alternative future revenue streams – a Brexit civil war could be the answer.” Morrison’s has gone the same route albeit with an even stronger range. The ‘six pack’ grenade special (£999.99) has been flying off their shelves, while their disposable rocket launchers (£1,500.00) are being snapped up by extinction rebellion ‘Ultras’ who feel they have a score to settle.
A spokeswoman for Sainsbury’s declined to detail why the supermarket will no longer sell fireworks, stating that it was commercially sensitive.
Supermarket consultant Jim Hammer had a different opinion. “There’s no money in fireworks – real firepower is where the big profit margins now reside.” I noticed Jim had a 44 Magnum handgun, holstered over his M and S burgundy waistcoat (£29.99). “What kind of load do you use in that cannon?” I asked Jim inquisitively. “I use a light-special, with this type of gun it gives me better control and less recoil than a 357 Magnum with wadcutters.” Wise words indeed.
Catherine Shuttleworth, chief executive and founder of Savvy Marketing said: “When you go and buy your fireworks, obviously they are not on a shelf anywhere in the store. They tend to be in a glass cabinet that’s locked up and a member of staff has to go and unlock that cabinet every single time you want to buy fireworks.”
In a post-Brexit future expect to see the Supermarket glass cabinet full of treats such as: 38 specials, Saturday night specials and The Specials smash hit ‘Ghost Town.’ Boomsticks will also be available, and they come in extremely handy when fighting off Deadites… resurrected by the misuse of the Necronomicon by the Brexit negotiating team. It seems Rees-Moggs wailing in Latin cheesed-off Demonic beings in fourteen different dimensions.