Sainsbury’s blames sales decline on ‘cautious customers’. Nothing at all to do with other stores being much, much cheaper.

Business
Sainsbury's blames sales decline on 'cautious customers'. Nothing at all to do with other stores being much, much cheaper

Sainsbury’s has blamed “cautious customers” for a fall in sales in the third quarter, which included the crucial Christmas period.

Executives for the firm have blamed the decline in sales on ‘timid, pathetic scaredy-cat’ shoppers who for some reason must have been wary of entering their stores, because obviously the best thing to do when you fail to perform as well as you’ve hoped is to immediately blame someone else.

One senior executive was quoted as saying “Other than the fact our logo is orange – a colour that we have evolved as humans to recognise as one of danger – we have absolutely no idea why shoppers might be cautious to come into Sainsbury’s. They probably only go to places like Morrisons because their logos are yellow, which as we all know is the colour of happiness. Yes, that must be it.”

The UK’s second-largest supermarket chain said like-for-like retail sales fell by 1.1%; worse than the 0.2% initially predicted by independent analysts.

Sainsbury’s spokespersons have been keen to stress that the reason for customers choosing to shop at other stores has absolutely nothing to do with the alternatives being much, much cheaper, declaring that the correlation between the low prices and impressive profits at budget shops like Aldi is purely ‘a coincidence’.

They also begged that customers should compare the food quality of Sainsbury’s produce against Aldi’s so that they can really ‘taste the difference’ – even if it means remortgaging in order to do so.

Employees at Sainsbury’s, which is supposed to be buying out Asda in a deal worth £15bn this year, hope that the joining of the two supermarkets will increase profits for the company.

But how many customers might be brave enough to shop at ‘Assbury’s’ remains to be seen.

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