Tory leadership candidate Michael Gove has said he “deeply regrets” taking cocaine more than 20 years ago.
…and in an uncanny twist, a sachet of cocaine has today issued a writ, suing Michael Gove for breaking a Non-Disclosure Agreement.
Michael Gove said: “I took drugs on several occasions at social events more than 20 years ago. At the time I was a young journalist. It was a mistake.”
“Look. I took out an NDA with Mr Gove, twenty years ago, to not reveal my identity.”, the sachet of cocaine has been quoted, “I was hotly tipped for some real septum damage of a proper ‘celebrity’ (e.g. a soap star, a minor member of a boy-band, or perhaps even a BBC Children’s presenter), instead, I ended up in one of the four nostrils of a failing Times journalist. The embarrassment of it all. That’s when I took legal advice and got this NDA signed. I need to protect my dignity and reputation. I’m the drugs choice of the ‘beautiful people’. ”
The environment secretary said he believed the “mistake” should not be held against him in his bid to become prime minister.
“A mistake? A mistake!”, screamed an ever increasing emotional sachet of cocaine, “How does he think that makes me feel. It was bad enough entering the country from Bolivia, in the lower colon of some black-mailed, heroin addicted, drugs mule and now Mr Gove is all over the press calling me a mistake. I feel so worthless.”
The Environment Secretary further added “I look back and I think I wish I hadn’t done that.”
The sachet of cocaine then added, “Recounting the ingestion, I knew there were problems from the start. Mr Gove seemed incapable of breaking the ‘keep fresh seal’ without assistance and then someone had to explain you needed a razor blade to break up the crystals…. not a Phillips Ladyshave.”
Tory Leadership candidate then went on to say, “The question now is that people should look at my record as a politician and ask themselves, ‘Is this person we see ready to lead now?’ “
“Only if you want your Prime Minister of this country to be someone who has been in possession of a highly addictive class-A drug, whose trading destroys the lives of thousands and lining the profits of organised crime.”, the sachet of cocaine went onto add, “I still carry a custodial sentence of up to seven years, for possession you know!”
“I think all politicians have lives before politics. Certainly when I was working as a journalist I didn’t imagine I would go into politics or public service.”, stated Michael Gove“
“If I had any effect on altering the mind-set of Michael Gove in becoming a politician, I apologise profusely to the nation”, the sachet of cocaine remorse, “Remember everyone, ‘just say no!’ “.