Ryanair confident customer satisfaction levels will remain unchanged with or without pilots

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Ryanair threaten to ruin family holidays by flying every flight every day

Ryanair has failed in a legal effort to prevent a 48-hour strike by British pilots in the run-up to the bank holiday weekend, claiming they cannot rule out some small flight delays and/or flight changes.

In a statement released by Ryanair “Fact is, we cater for the kind of people who look to cut corners when choosing to fly through the air at hundreds of miles an hour on a contraption with literally hundreds of thousands of parts.”

“They know our pilots are tired, overworked and morbidly unhappy. Crying out loud, we just took them to court to try and force them into work… that’s like shit they’d do in Soviet Russia.”

Frequent Ryanair passenger Graham Hows admitted that in other circumstances, he wouldn’t trust the average Ryanair pilot to drive them on a tandem bike. However, research has shown that the average Ryanair passenger is simply a sado-masochist who’s too scared of whips to indulge in their fantasy.

Hows confirmed this, adding “Whether it’s the oppressive ongoing neon-lit misery of being stranded in an airport through a lack of pilots, or being punished by the flight attendants in the aneurysm busting discomfort of their airline seats. As long as I’m in a state of categorical existential misery, I’m happy. Actually reaching the destination is a by-product.”

In a closing statement, Michael O’Leary read from the Ryanair customer service handbook to explain their position “What we’re saying is, every inconvenience, every withering reply to a reasonable question, every needless delay, every tight-fisted financial misery we can inflict on them, these fuckers deserve it.”

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