The President of the United States received a warm welcome from the Queen and the Prince of Wales as he arrived at Buckingham Palace yesterday, in the form of two 41-gun salutes.
The firing of the ceremonial guns from nearby Green Park, the closest Donald Trump has got to active service, caused the President to wince and grab one of his heels in pain, and then the other one when he remembered which one he’d lied about fifty years ago.
“Ow Ow Ow!” he yelled, reaching out to Melania for assistance and receiving nothing but the kind of cold stare one normally reserves for sworn enemies.
“Ooh, those loud bangs made my bone spurs hurt a bit” he told Her Majesty The Queen. “That’s why I couldn’t fight in the war, sadly. Not a lot of people know that. Boy, I wish I could have fought the Germans or whoever it was we were fighting in Vietnam.”
Donald and Melania Trump were then escorted into Buckingham Palace by the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.
According to some members of the Royal household, Donald Trump pulled aside Prince Charles at one point and remarked “Don’t tell her I said this, but I think Princess Diana’s not as good looking as she used to be, eh? It’s good you’re still together though. That’s terrific.”
The President and First Lady later joined The Queen for a state banquet.
During which Trump was heard to mutter “All this money and wealth and they can’t even afford to order in a McDonalds. Losers. I blame that Muslim London mayor, must be his fault.”