Just days after Jeremy Hunt said he once drank a cannabis lassi Rory Stewart admitting to smoking opium in Iran,
as Tory leadership contenders tried to out rock’ n’ roll each other.
Shortly after Stewart’s announcement on Sky News Boris Johnson bowled into the studio shouting that he has cocaine for breakfast and once smashed up a hotel lobby.
Our reporters spoke to the hotel manager who confirmed Boris did smash up the lobby but that it wasn’t a rock ‘n’ roll moment it was just that he’s ‘a blundering buffoon who can’t be trusted with a rucksack let alone a country to run.’
On Saturday James Cleverly became the 11th Tory to enter the leadership race.
The MP for Braintree apologised for being late to the party saying he’d ‘been busy snorting coke off a prostitute’s tits.’
Mr Cleverly’s announcement came shortly after Matt Hancock had thrown his hat into the ring
claiming that, as Health Secretary, he has ‘contacts in the pharmaceutical business, nod, nod, wink, wink.’ Former Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt then told Hancock to ‘pipe done bruv’ as he brushed nonchalantly past him proudly displaying his ‘Drug Dealer’ badge.
Current second favourite Michael Gove has described himself as the ‘unity candidate’
and said that he’ll put an end to Tory infighting by ‘passing round a bong and getting some strippers in.’
Both Andrea Leadsom and Esther McVey described Gove’s comments as ‘disgusting’ and said they’d rather inject their own eyeballs – particularly if it’s with heroine.
With Kit Malthouse and Sajid Javid both saying they enjoy ‘skinning up and listening to a bit of Robert Marley’, Dominic Raab is the only candidate who has not claimed to use recreational drugs as he’s ‘still high on the result of the referendum’.
Even Theresa May opened up about her drug abuse. At a speech in London the outgoing PM said it was ‘time to be completely honest with the British people’ as she announced the naughtiest thing she’s ever done is actually to ‘dabble with ibuprofen even when I only had a very mild headache.’