Up to 20,000 patients in the UK are to be given medical cannabis over a two-year period in an initiative that aims to create the largest body of evidence on the drug in Europe.
The news was welcomed by Sociology student, long-term ‘medicinal researcher’ and Pink Floyd enthusiast John Timms, who said “Yeah, I already get my ‘prescription’ from my ‘doctor’ he’s called Fat Dave and his ‘surgery’ is the courtyard in front of my flats.”
“I use it to treat everything; if you’ve got a condition where you struggle to go to the bakery as much as you’d like, I take a few tokes and then off I go.”
Timms went on to explain “Occasionally I feel that I’ve been stood up too long so I simply roll a jazz cigarette and just like that I’m reclining on the bean bag… Sometimes I struggle to concentrate so I take the recommended dosage of bong hits and then I can watch Battlestar Galactica repeats for hours.”
“It’s been transformative.”
“Previously, I’d struggle to keep a conversation going about how unifying our increasingly compartmentalised society can only be achieved through an enforced period of sensory deprivation in the company of those you formally hated… the lack of stimuli forcing those diametrically opposed to find middle ground and, ultimately find their shared humanity… once they emerge from their self-imposed sensory exile, one you… you strip away all the bullshit, they’ve got an unspoken bond which the echo-chambers of the mainstream media cannot ever distort or take away, from that moment on, political, social and economic discourse can take place with shared respect and understanding…”
An insider at the Timms’ house claimed that following this statement, Timms’ mum issued the following statement “This flat friggin’ reeks of weed!” confiscated his stash shortly thereafter.
Adding he was very confident that the studies will benefit millions currently suffering from chronic pain Timms stated “It’s the strangest thing, it’s like cannabis gives you a sign that it’s working. The sign is that everything feels great…”
At press time, Timms was quoted as saying “Sorry… how long have we been talking? Did I invite you in?”