The absence of Jacob Rees-Mogg from the Conservative manifesto launch has raised speculation that he has been ordered by the Prime Minister to keep a low profile.
Many have suggested that Rees-Mogg was absent from the Manifesto launch due to backlash following his remarks about the Grenfell tower fire.
This is not the case however, with the Conservative party releasing a statement that Rees-Mogg was busy “engaging in a battle of wits with his peer and nemesis; 19th century detective Sherlock Holmes.”
Rees-Mogg has been battling Holmes for years, as the former is a ‘giant bastard from the 1800s who’d gladly fill an orphanage with chlorine gas.’
Rees-Mogg sent Holmes a series of coded messages alluding that he was in the process of his deadliest game yet, and if the detective failed to stop him, then the entire fate of the country would be at stake.
It is alleged Rees-Mogg has spent years devising this game, and was unaware of how Brexit would irreversibly fuck the entire country up, but stuck with his original idea anyway as he ‘couldn’t be bothered’ to think of a new one.
Of Rees-Mogg’s plan, a source inside Downing street said:
“Yeah, Jacob was just going to blow up all the hospitals in the North of England, which isn’t AS bad as what Brexit’s doing to be honest. Plus, with the entire NHS staff shortage, he’d only get a dozen or so casualties.”
The execution of this game clashed with the Conservative manifesto launch, so Rees-Mogg was unable to attend.
When reached for comment about Rees-Mogg, Sherlock Holmes remarked “Christ, he’s such a shit isn’t he?” before having some recreational cocaine.