A redacted version of the Mueller report has been released by the Department of Justice. Attorney General William Barr has confirmed the report clears the Trump team of collusion with Russia.
The report goes on to explain that President Trump loves Mexicans and says his famous wall is really just a way of creating building jobs for people who live near the border.
The report concludes that Trump is ‘a legend in the sack’ and this is largely due to his ‘foot long dong’.
But Mueller did find Trump was ‘receptive’ to offers of Russian election help.
A White House aide likened the collusion scandal to ‘that time he was receptive to offers from lone females who clearly wanted their pussy grabbed and got a whole load of negative press for it.’
While the report ‘does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him’.
Trump’s campaign manager, Brad Parscale said the president had’ been fully and completely exonerated yet again.’
Mr Parscale is expected to actually read the report over the coming days once he’s finished a particularly difficult paint-by-numbers and, according to a colleague, thought ‘one of our library quotes’ would buy him a bit of time without making him ‘look like a complete bellend.’
From her mock prison cell Hillary Clinton said, ‘Really? He said that? What a complete bellend.’
The report also claims that Trump asked a White House lawyer to fire Mueller.
Mueller said he’s ‘not surprised that the squeaky clean, definitely not involved in Russian collusion, and 100% not a criminal, president’ wanted him sacked, adding ‘Firing an independent person just because they might tell your sordid truth is normal behaviour for a man who loves Mexican’s and puts other men to shame in the showers.’
When the investigation was initially announced, Trump is reported to have described it as ‘the worst thing ever’.
He was then quickly reminded that he had been elected President.