Boris Johnson will dare the Queen to sack him rather than resign as prime minister in an attempt to drive through Brexit on October 31, cabinet ministers have revealed.
In return, her Majesty will double dare the PM to ‘play chicken’ in front of the London to Edinburgh Express as the constitutional crisis escalates into a bout of playground pranks.
Senior aides said Johnson would not stand aside if his proposals were rejected by Brussels and MPs tried to unseat him to avert a no-deal Brexit.
“Her Majesty has considered many options in resolving the Nation’s most pressing issue”, stated Colin Tuggah-Forelock (54), Chief Courtier and a man most easily bribed into gossip once some polaroids were shown to him, “They involved retrieving a frisbee from an electrical transformer station, swimming in nearby canal, playing on a frozen pond and a whole host of other dangers concocted from 1970’s British public information films”
They [Senior aides] said Johnson was prepared to “squat” in Downing Street even if MPs declare no confidence in his government and agree on a caretaker prime minister to replace him.
“Her majesty has also been looking at the many ingenious methods, of dares, by constantly listening to ‘Dumb Ways To Die” by Emily Lubitz”, the soon to be decorated, Mr Tuggah-Forelock added, “But settled on the dare of playing ‘chicken’ in front of an express train approaching at over 100mph, in the hope that Dominic Cummings might dress up as a Chicken and join in with the ‘fun’ ”
One senior figure said: “Unless the police turn up at the doors of 10 Downing Street with a warrant for the prime minister’s arrest, he won’t be leaving.”
“Many rail services were looked at”, our black-mailed palace worker informed us, “London-Bristol was a hot favourite for a while, especially as the fast stretch near Twyford is a stone’s throw from Windsor. Whilst HS1 between London-Folkstone was immediately rejected as Her Majesty tries to avoid the unwashed of Kent at all costs. London-Edinburgh seemed the best option as she can fit in a tragic accident en-route to Balmoral, via Holyrood.
The last time a monarch sacked a prime minister was in 1834 when William IV dismissed Lord Melbourne.
Trainspotters throughout the land are elated at this new turn of events.
“We’ve waited 185 years for a Prime Minister to play ‘chicken’ in front of an Express train”, Colin Cagoule (54) of Stelling Minnis a keen philatelist , bird watcher, train enthusiast and blackjack player, told news dump, “Of course, Lord Melbourne had it easy as a train couldn’t go above 60mph then. Us, lovers of rail-related tomfoolery, are very much looking forward to keenly fought contest between man and train just outside Berwick”