The new Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has issued a style guide in the first week of his job. Among the list of bizarre rules, he asks staff not to use the words “got”, “very” or “equal” in correspondence with other MPs and the public.
He’s also warned about using offensive four letter words in official documentation, such as less when it should be fewer.
One rule decrees that there should not be too many ‘I’s in a document.
This from a man who starts 97% of his sentences with that word.
Jacob Rees-Mogg has instructed all staff in his new office to use imperial measurements and refer to ‘non-titled males’ as ‘esquire’.
Jacob Rees-Mogg once took legal action against an establishment called Freds’ Cafe for mis-advertising, insisting that their sign be changed to Fred’s Cafe. However he failed to successfully sue the joint owners of the cafe, Frederick Smith and Frederick Cooper.
Mr Rees-Mogg makes clear he would prefer staff to always use imperial measurements, most of which were phased out from the mid-1960s.
He is also looking to bring a bill to parliament to bring in measures making it illegal for anyone in the country to use metric measurements and rules relating to written English which includes the following…
- People who use more than three dots for an ellipse to be punished with a spot fine. (That behaviour is unacceptable, full stop!)
- Using double negatives will be a definite no, no.
- Prison for those using too many commas. Concerns about over-crowded prisons have been dismissed as Jacob Rees-Mogg says he’s not expecting many long sentences.
More controversially, he wants to eliminate words from the dictionary which with have the same spelling or pronunciation but have different meanings and origins. Civil Rights Campaigners have decreed that this would be homonymophobic. In his defence, Jacob Rees-Mogg said, “I like homophones. Many of my best phrases contain homophones, but we all know that a homophone in the wrong place can do terrible things to young, impressionable minds.”
The most controversial law is bringing in the death penalty for starting a sentence with a lower case letter. However, Jacob Rees-Mogg argues that if that’s not a capital offence, what is!