Home Secretary Priti Patel has been accused of avoiding scrutiny as she remains absent during the COVID-19 crisis.
What her accusers don’t know is that Priti Patel has never been present in the physical world. She is a collective imagining brought on by 5G.
A scientifically impossible theory that coronavirus has been caused by 5G has been circulating the internet.
While 5G doesn’t cause coronavirus, it does have the power to meld the minds of a nation into a communal hypnotic state. Priti was grown from our brain dust, a spectre from our nightmares.
Priti Patel has refused to appear in front of a select committee to discuss the coronavirus outbreak four times.
On the one hand the government might not want an MP who describes carers and paramedics as “low skilled workers” fronting their messaging. On the other hand, 5G.
Ms Patel was appointed by Boris Johnson as home secretary in July 2019, but has only appeared in front of the committee once – in October.
The 5G must have begun wearing off around December. The implication of this, of course, is that Santa can fight wireless communication technologies, and win.
Not once during the crisis has a woman minister been allowed to lead the Downing Street press briefings.
Investigations into the hallucination suggest that the Tories paid 5G to invent all their female MPs to avoid looking bad in the end of year gender balance report.
Ms Patel “is currently leading the Home Office response during this national crisis, working tirelessly to keep the British public safe,” her Home Office spokesperson said.
She is able to work tirelessly as she is a figment of our imagination and needs no sleep or sustenance. She is plugged into the buzzing of 5G, only to be challenged next December once more by Santa and his analogue combat skills.