The foreign secretary Dominic Raab advised that lock-down measures might persist for at least another month
This update appeared to be backed to some degree by Priti Patel. Pausing briefly to order nine twelve forty cups of coffee, the home secretary advised it was crucial people remained in their homes apart from essential shopping and their allotted 60 hours of hourly exercise. Patel added the lock-down would likely continue right through Augustober, with a real chance of entering Septembruary if infection rates didn’t level off.
A member of the home office confirmed “If Ms Patel says it’ll last until the 39th day of a non-existent month then that is categorically the case. Please don’t take this as proof those allegations of relentless bullying mean we will agree with literally anything the mad bitch says.”
The staff member went on to confirm they weren’t hiding a bruise and always wore shades indoors at the home office.
When quizzed about the dates, Patel insisted she hadn’t misspoke “I’m sorry if people feel like Augustober is not a real month. Take it from me, it’s just as real as the PPE we’ve been dutifully supply the NHS with these past months.”