Health secretary Matt Hancock has tested positive for coronavirus
However, fears that other members of the cabinet may fall victim to the pandemic have been eased by Home Secretary Priti Patel bullying the virus as she took it’s dinner money, before giving it a wedgie.
The Home Secretary has recently suffered allegations of bullying
“It was quite astonishing to witness”, stated NewsDump government insider Quentin St. John-St.Johnson (54), “First Ms Patel tripped up the virus from behind, then grabbed it’s duffle bag, before marching it to the Downing Street washroom and flushing its head down the toilet”
Brits who flout coronavirus lockdown rules will be arrested for breaking the law, Home Secretary Priti Patel has announced.
“And then the ‘coup de grace'”, Mr St.John-St.Johnson added, “With its lipids still dripping wet and its capsids smelling of diluted urine, the Home Secretary then gave it a Chinese burn, a wedgie and finally pilfered it’s dinner money. Expertise normally only seen in the corridors of Eton or Harrow”
On the 29th Feb Sir Phillip Rutnum resigned from the Home Office claiming constructive dismissal
However allegations that Ms Patel used the same phrases such as “Why you hitting yourself?” and “Who’s you Daddy Now?” on Mr Rutnum as she did the virus, are completely unfounded
Additional Material by Pete Redfern & Daniel Burt