Priti Patel congratulates Boris on birth of his ‘seventeentytooth child’

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'I'm not a bully. I'm just an arsehole' insists Priti

Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his fiancee Carrie Symonds have announced the birth of a son.

And the first senior Tory to public congratulate them was Priti Patel. The Wicked Witch of the Home Office extended said the birth of ‘his seventeentytooth child’ must be a proud moment for the PM.

The Home Secretary was asked to clarify exactly how many children Mr Johnson has, to which she replied, ‘Somewhere between 1 and lots.’

Boris will not be taking paternity leave at this time.

In a statement he said that after the ‘fucking shit show that Raab and Patel made of the briefings’ while he was in hospital, now would be a ‘really bad time’ to allow either of them any more media coverage than is absolutely necessary.

Downing Street declined to say whether the baby was born prematurely, and did not provide details of the weight, timing, nature or location of the birth.

But the Home Secretary revealed the child was born at ‘Twenty Eight O’clock’ and weighed in at ‘Noughteen pounds seven eighty and hundred grams’. Asked about where the birth took place, Ms Patel said she wasn’t entirely sure but that one of her ‘slaves’ had suggested it was ‘probably from Ms Symonds’s legs.’

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