The Duke of Edinburgh has written to apologise for his role in a car crash in which a woman broke her arm. The incident took place near Sandringham estate in Norfolk on 17 January. The Duke, 97, was left stuck in his Land Rover after it overturned.
The letter also contained a bill for the cost of replacing his £70,000 car.
“I can only imagine that I failed to see the car coming and I am very contrite about the consequences” said the Duke.
He then burst out laughing. When his mirth had subsided, he said, “No, seriously though, these bloody peasants should get the hell out of my way. Don’t they know who I am?”
Many have suggested the incident might mean it’s time for the Duke to stop driving.
Prince Philip, who some royal observers believe died in 1999 and has been kept functioning in a state of zombification, blamed the whole incident not on his age, but on his left eye dropping out just as he pulled out at the junction.
“The sun was low on the horizon. A pretty girl rode past on a pony. I winked at her and my eyeball popped out. I was still scrabbling around on the floor by the accelerator trying to recover it when I pulled away. Then this bloody stupid ‘subject’ came batting along at God knows what speed as if she owned the bloody road and broadsided me! Back in the day I would have had her flogged for that, broken arm or not. She can stump up for a new car, that’s for sure!”
The Prince then added, “Being a zombie is an absolute pisser. You try playing polo with your eyeballs popping out and your arms flying off every time you play a shot. It’s bloody near impossible.”
Then, to the unanimous agreement of the assembled press pack, the royal sponging fuckwit said, “I wish I was dead.”