Prince Charles advertises for new assistant. Primary task: hourly calls to Buckingham Palace to see if the Queen’s abdicated yet.

Popular Right Now, The Royals

Prince Charles is looking for someone to become his new personal assistant.

The duties will include handling telephone calls, answering e-mails and making hourly checks with Buckingham Palace to see if the Queen has decided to abdicate.

They must also have the ability to eat a Duchy biscuit without grimacing, or spitting it out – because the Prince is highly sensitive to any criticism of his famously bland yet staggeringly expensive oatcakes.

An advert for the post states: “Candidates will have a high level of professionalism and self-motivation, impeccable IT skills and a proactive approach.”

They will also have to be highly flexible, particularly in the lower spine as there will be a lot of bowing and scraping to carry out.

A Royal source stressed “the ability to maintain confidentiality and exercise discretion at all times is paramount”.

“After all we couldn’t have some blabbermouth spilling the beans about all the dirty dealings Charles has gotten away with for the last half century. The press would have a field day. He’s been a bit of a lad over the years, you know…”

The closing date for all applications is listed as being January 13 and no details of salary are included on the advert.

It’s expected applications by former high ranking British Army officers will be particularly welcome, as their experience could provide invaluable should Charles finally lose patience with his mum and seek advice on the best way to launch a military coup.

Garth ApThomas

Written By: Garth ApThomas

Garth’s writing credits include “the world’s longest running live comedy show” NewsRevue in London – where he’s been a writer in the room – BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack and the History Makers podcast.
Read All Posts By Garth ApThomas