Premier league to ban handshakes ‘until players stop this modern nonsense and act like gentlemen’

Health, Lifestyle and Family, Sport
Premier league to ban handshakes 'until players stop this modern nonsense and act like gentlemen'

The Premier League has announced that the pre-match handshakes between both teams and officials will not take place until further notice.

The news comes after officials became ‘tired of this modern nonsense’ and insisted on ‘proper gentlemen’s handshakes in future.’

A spokesman said that teams will be expected to train their players in ‘appropriate handshaking etiquette’ over the next few weeks in the hope that the ban can be lifted ‘around April’.

The measure comes the day after the government asked the league ‘to step up its contingency planning’.

Minister for 1800’s, Jacob Rees-Mogg said it was ‘high time those overpaid ruffians learnt that the appropriate way to shake a fellows’ hand is by taking a firm grip to demonstrate masculinity and power.’ He went on to say that, if the ‘practice of modern handshaking is not quelled, we run the very real risk that football, as well as rugger and other manly pursuits, will begin to attract female combatants.’

The teams will still line up as usual, but the home team will walk past the away side without shaking hands.

Instead, each player will be issued with a top hat which he’ll be required to doff to each opponent as he passes.

There have been suggestions from some that the decision is nothing to do with etiquette and is simply a response to the spread of Coronavirus. But an FA spokesman denied that saying, ‘only an organisation run by idiots would ban handshakes because of Coronavirus but then ask 22 players to run around sweating and playing a contact sport as if that was somehow an impossible way to pass it on.’

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