Wimbledon was cancelled yesterday, the latest summer sporting casualty of the coronavirus pandemic.
But whilst fans, players and local businesses will be able to make up for it next year, the ball boys’ and girls’ once in a lifetime opportunity to be treat like shit by rich people will disappear for ever.
Simon Johnson, who organises the teams of youngsters every year, told us today that they were ‘devastated to be missing out’.
“Taking into account the amount of hard work that they have put in, we are appealing for any posh, ignorant pricks who would like to help, to volunteer to help out.”
“There are no special skills or knowledge required, just the ability to throw sweaty towels on the floor then demand they are picked up, swear at the kids, that sort of thing.”
“Anyone who feels that they treat poor people with contempt would be ideal. Maybe they need dog shit licked off their Jimmy Choos, or would like the sweat wiped out of their arse crack, before demanding that it is wiped back in again? It is all part of the Wimbledon experience that they are missing out on.”
Tennis star Elliot Benchetrit, who demanded a ball girl peel his banana during a 2018 Australian Open qualifier, said that he thought it was a great idea.
“I’ll be there to kick the servile little fuckers to shit,” he enthused, stating that he would be wearing his ‘big shoes’.
Mr Johnson said that he hoped that members of the Royal Family may even get involved, even hinting the if Prince Philip is well enough, he may bring a gun.
“If the Prince were to wing one of them, it would be the icing on the cake,” he grinned.
It is believed that the event will take place in Hyde Park, London once the current crisis has passed, so that social distancing doesn’t hamper any abuse.