PM’s “I’d rather be dead in a ditch” comment prompts instant rural drainage programme

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PM's I'd rather be dead in a ditch comment prompts instant rural drainage programme

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he’d “rather be dead in a ditch” than go to ask Brussels for a delay to Brexit.

This has prompted a huge spontaneous rural improvement programme, focussing on the open drains that run alongside the UK National road network.

The PM was responding to a question from a reporter after making a speech in front of police recruits in West Yorkshire.

“The response from rural communities up and down the land has been almost instantaneous”, the secretary of State for the Environment, Theresa Villers stated, “It seems every village, hamlet and small rural community wants their open, roadside waste water dispersal system to be the final resting place of Britain’s potentially shortest serving PM”

The PM made the Statement in front of police cadets in Wakefield

“What has impressed me most has been the sheer diversification of improvements that have been proposed and initiated along the route from Wakefield to Westminster”, the MP for Chipping Barnet claimed, “Black and White  chevrons have been taken down, sharp bend warning triangles removed and one community in Lincolnshire have flooded their ditch, to introduce a secondary threat of drowning, should the Premier’s entourage career off the road”

The PM went onto say “It [Brexit Extension] achieves absolutely nothing. What on earth is the point of further delay”

“For the first time in his Premiership, the PM has managed to unite the country in this massive environmental clean-up project”, Ms Villers added, “We in the department are just so grateful for his colourful turn of phrase.  I understand DEFRA are most disappointment at the PM’s failing to use the term ‘I’d rather watch the grass grow’,  whereas the already overburdened NHS are relieved that the phrase ‘pull fingernails out one by one wasn’t employed”

Boris Johnson has been PM for 43 days

Rumours that he is aiming to resign on his 44th day as PM to become ‘The Brian Clough of the Conservative Party’ are completely unsubstantiated

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