Play ‘The Brexit of Chaos’ – The fighting fantasy role playing game where you are Theresa May.

UK Politics
Play ‘The Brexit of Chaos’ - The fighting fantasy role playing game where you are Theresa May

History:

The good folk of the United Kingdom have lived in years with awe and fear of the thing known only as Brexit. Brexit is so terrible, the only word that can be used to describe it is… Brexit. You are on a quest to deliver the Brexit the good British people were promised and, to this end, you have produced a transition deal that delivers none of these things.

How to play:

You can choose to be The Prime Minister or Jeremy Corbyn.

If you choose to be Jeremy Corbyn, you don’t need to do anything and can stop playing now.

For those who are still reading, you are the Prime Minister, Theresa May. You have little knowledge of politics but hopefully enough to fulfil this quest. Start the game by rolling a six-sided dice to determine your Stamina, Stubbornness and Absolute Bloody Mindless-ness scores. For each score, keep rolling till you get a six.

1. Theresa May to ask MPs to support her deal.

To do this you must first defeat a creature that is half sheep, half cow.

If you wish to try to defeat the Baa-Cow, go to 2.

Otherwise go to 3.

2. Attempt to get a third attempt to get Theresa May’s transition deal approved.

To defeat the Baa-Cow you need to roll a six-sided die three times and roll a six each time. Unfortunately, the Baa-Cow has the ability to stop you rolling a third time, so you are doomed to fail.

Go to 3.

3. An extension for Brexit needs to be granted at an EU Summit. 

All 27 members must agree. Roll a twenty-seven-sided die.

If you roll a 27, go to 5.

Otherwise go to 4.

4. A No-deal Brexit. 

The UK is not ready for Brexit and is plunged into chaos. The United Kingdom is hit by a recession as its companies can no longer compete in Europe and seek new business in other countries, Scotland is demanding another independence referendum and a hard border is implemented in Ireland. Of course, the top priority is to keep the Conservative party together and, to that end, an election is held to choose a new party leader.

Go to 15.

5. All 27 members of the EU accept the request for an extension.

If you requested a three-month extension, go to 6.

If you requested a longer extension, go to 7.

6. Theresa May has three months to sort out a Brexit.

But the Baa-Cow won’t let you submit your deal for a third time without making major changes and the EU won’t agree to any major changes. That was a really dumb move! Fortunately this is just a role-playing game and the real Prime Minister wouldn’t be so dumb.

If you wish to seek a longer extension, go to 5.

Otherwise go to 4.

7. The UK has to take part in European Elections.

No one really cares about this.

Go to 8.

8. Deal or No Deal or Renegotiation or Referendum or Election or Vote of No Confidence or No Brexit.

Let’s assume you still have some influence in the decision. What do you want to try for next?…

No Deal – go to 4.

Yet another vote on your deal – go to 9.

Renegotiation – go to 10.

Referendum – go to 11.

Election – go to 12.

Vote of no confidence – go to 13.

No Brexit – go to 14.

9. Yet another vote on your deal.

The Baa-Cow has crumbled to your stubbornness and allows you to have another vote, which you lose.

If you want another vote, go to 9.

When you finally give in, go to 15.

10. Renegotiation.

The EU just look at you open-mouthed. They have no words. After a very long, awkward silence, you return to the UK with no changes to your deal.

Go to 15.

11. Referendum.

You have travelled back in time to the point just before the last referendum but have lost millions and millions of pounds on preparations for a Brexit that may not happen. The only certainty is that you won’t be Prime Minister for much longer.

Go to 15.

12. Election.

What! You chose an election. Do you not remember how your last election went? Even if, somehow, you remain as leader of the Conservative party, let’s face it, your days as Prime Minister is about the same as the lowest Prime Number.

Go to 15.

13. Vote of no confidence.

If you chose this option, then you must have no confidence left in yourself.

Go to 15.

14. No Brexit.

You are a complete laughing-stock and the Conservative party is completely divided or, as you would say, “Nothing has changed.” But some things have changed. Fires have broken out all over the UK as thousands of Daily Mail readers spontaneously combusted into flames. As Brexiteers predicted, the EU has not only forced us to ditch the pound but made it illegal to drive on the left side of the road. Half the country refuses to drive on the right causing no end of traffic accidents.

As everyone under the age of 21 is conscripted into the EU army, you resign as Prime Minister as the position is redundant.  Go to 15.

15. You are no longer Prime Minister.

You have failed in your quest but will go on to make a fortune in the sales of your diary and by charging huge fees to give talks on how you screwed up.

Go to a beach in Marbella to meet and discuss over an expensive cocktail with David Cameron just how unfair life is.

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