Pizza Express to offer 3 Alibis for £14.95

Business, Popular Right Now, The Royals

Prince Andrew, The Duke of York has used a visit to Pizza Express in Woking as an Alibi for his whereabouts on the 10th March 2001

And such is the popularity of this alibi, the chain of Italian restaurants is offering three alibis for the incredible knockdown price of £14.95.

The Duke made the claim during an interview with Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis

“We are only too pleased to offer Prince Andrew an alibi for his whereabouts in 2001”, stated Sir Colin Stuph-Cruss (54), chief executive of Royal Excuses at Pizza Express “And such has been the popularity of this tale, we are now making these alibis a non-royal exclusive for all our customers. For only £14.95 we can provide three alibis, each at a time, date and social occasion of the customer’s choosing. Each alibi will be accompanied, with  a timed receipt,  a stamped ‘2 for 1’ voucher, a selection of crudely coloured-in colouring pictures (with crayons) and a passata stained white shirt”

Prince Andrew claims he was taking Princess Beatrice, to a party at a Pizza Express restaurant in Woking at about four or 5 pm.

“Previously, these great offers have only been made to non-sweating members of the Royal Family, who require the business contacts that can only be provided by a suspected sex trafficker. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a British Prince to make contacts on his own in the US? Affluent and powerful people will just put the phone down on him”, Sir Stuph-Cruss added, “It’s unfortunate that mixing with suspected nonces is part and parcel of being a Royal wishing to make contacts in the higher echelons of capitalism in the United States. ”

The Prince added going to the Pizza Express there was “a very unusual thing for me to do”.

He also added that he couldn’t have been photographed in Central Park talking to Jeffery Epstein as he was queuing for a Zinger Burger at a KFC in Barton Stacy and that definitely wasn’t him at the door of Epstein’s flat in New York as he was collecting a Family Sub Platter from a Subway in Cirencester,

“It’s a little known fact that the Duchess likes nothing more than sinking her teeth into a twelve-inch Italian Special with Southwest Sauce on a Saturday Night”, the Duke further dug

Prince Andrew remembered the occasion “weirdly distinctly” because it was one of only a couple of times that he had been to Woking

And the Woking branch of Pizza Express has also announced a number of other unique packages for the suspiciously mobile, who want to divert attention from their shenanigans. These include

  • Free White Lie with every side order
  • A fully fabricated three-stage Tall Tale for £9.99
  • Friday is Lie Day. Buy one story of deception, get one free
  • Slander Buster Bar, endless distortions of the truth for £7.99
  •   
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
5 Foolproof Ways - Advert v2 (1920 x 1280)

White Label Comedy

The News Dump is brought to you by White Label Comedy – a hive-mind of Comedy Writers and Advertising Creatives who collaborate on-demand to generate Comedy Content for Brands, TV Shows and more.

If we’ve made you laugh, and you know someone who might enjoy working with us, we’d love it if you could send them to www.whitelabelcomedy.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.