Patisserie Valerie collapses into administration. Rescue talks crumbled and the funds didn’t rise.


Patisserie Valerie has collapsed into administration after rescue talks with banks failed.

All attempts to save the cake and pastry chain have crumbled. Admittedly, these were a trifle ambitious.

The firm say they are now willing to give anything a (Viennese) whirl, and that due to the problem’s many layers it’s important not to point the (chocolate) finger.

Yes, their approach to bookkeeping was a little flaky, but no one’s actually stollen anything.

And they’ve already been torte a lesson.

Last year, the company uncovered ‘significant and potentially fraudulent accounting irregularities’ – finance director Chris Marsh was arrested.

This proves the age-old saying – you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Although with a motto like that on the cake shop signage, it’s no wonder they’re in trouble.

Approximately 21 of the chain’s stores will continue trading while a buyer is sought.

These will remain open for as long as they continue to turn a profiterole, which should provide solace to pastry fans who filo and donut know what to do about it.

Meanwhile, the other stores will battenberg the hatches and wait for the all-éclair.

The administrators say they are ‘hopeful of a good level of interest’ due to the brand’s strong high street presence.

But at this stage it seems they canoli hope for a miracle, perhaps in the form of an angel (slice) investor. It is rumoured Lord Sugar may be interested.

Whatever happens, there is almost certainly pain (au chocolat) ahead.

Up to 900 employees will be made redundant as a result of 70 stores closing. Even more will lose their jobs if the firm doesn’t find a buyer.

Shame on you for expecting another cake pun.

You tart-less bastard.


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