Buckingham Palace has confirmed a massive security breach at 2am in which an intruder scaled a fence to break in while the Queen slept.
The man who cannot be named was allegedly caught after he entered the Queen’s bedchamber and gagged on the eggy smell, alerting guards to his presence.
As he was escorted to a police car the man was an odd shade of green and looked visibly ill. ‘It was incredible,’ he said, ‘She was fast asleep and yet had so much control she was farting Land of Hope and Glory. That’s a royal arse for you. And we Brits should be proud. Although the smell was a bit rough. I could have sliced that fug with a knife. Not that I had a knife on me, of course, I just wanted to see if she wore a crown in bed – she does by the way.’
Palace officials have confirmed the man was not armed and the incident is not believed to be terror related.
They also confirmed the Queen enjoys a diet of rich food and has a high fibre breakfast each morning.
Privately the Queen is said to be ‘livid’ that she made Prince Phillip sleep on the sofa after she left him to order the Chinese and he managed to offend the restaurant owner, delivery driver and three members of palace kitchen staff.
‘One would so much prefer it,’ she said, ‘if the intruder had come on a different day and one were able to shift the blame to Phillip,’ she told a Palace insider. ‘Phillip’s guffs are horrendous. Especially when he’s had a take-away and a couple of beers. And I’m usually so demure. But I just can’t resist the Special Chow Mein. Even though it plays havoc with one’s bowels.’