Oscars to be without host, as Academy realises everyone in Hollywood is either evil or dead.

Entertainment, Art & Culture
Oscars to be without host, as Academy realises everyone in Hollywood is either evil or dead

The 2019 Oscars ceremony will be held without a host for the first time in 30 years after original host Kevin Hart stepped down due to controversy over homophobic tweets.

The scarcity in suitable replacements was further highlighted after The News Dump obtained a transcript, partly reprinted here, from the latest ABC Entertainment executives meeting where the decision for no host was made.


EXECUTIVE#1:  We need a replacement, no problem. I’ve got my little Hollywood address book right here. Let’s see… Mel Gibson, maybe not. Harvey Weinstein, should probably just delete that. Kevin Spacey! Oh wait. Liam Neeson… not unless we want him trying to cosh Black Panther.

EXECUTIVE#2: Comedian! We need a comedian for the job, don’t you know any?

EXECUTIVE#1:  Got one right here… Louis C.K.

EXECUTIVE#2: Oh for fu-

EXECUTIVE#1: Bob Hope?

EXECUTIVE#2: He’s dead. Plus these are all white men. We need more diversity. Did you not learn anything from #OSCARSSOWHITE

EXECUTIVE#1: You’re right. Ricky Gervais-


EXECUTIVE#1: In black-face. And a dress.

EXECUTIVE#2: We’ll put it on the maybe pile. If he can do a funny gay voice and walk we tick three boxes right there.

*Sound of high fiving*

EXECUTIVE#1: How about *inaudible*

EXECUTIVE#2: Got blown by a fourteen year old and I’m pretty sure their body is 70% coke these days. Oh and they make homeless people fight to the death for sport… And they tell people not to get their children vaccinated even though they know its bullsh*t… and they’re in the Klan. Like high up in the Klan. I’m pretty sure they might be its leader.

EXECUTIVE#1:  Yeah but still, our options are looking kind of limited.

EXECUTIVE#2: And they once commented that the all-female Ghostbusters was “pretty good.”

EXECUTIVE#1: What?! F**k that sick piece of s**t. That c**t. I hope they f***ing die. I hope their worthless family die.  F**cking snowflakes. Everybody knows you can’t bust a ghost without a c*ck. Ghostbusters have c*cks. Big swinging c*cks, it’s just the way it is. I’m not a sexist, I retweeted #METOO. But some things are just sacred. You can’t draw Mohammed and you can’t give a Ghostbuster a f**cking p*ssy, that’s the rule. What next, a gender neutral Goonies? I guess Sloth can’t be a deformed f**cking r*tard, now he has to have “learning difficulties”.

EXECUTIVE#2: Shall we continue?

**Time Elapses**

EXECUTIVE#1: Judge Reinhold? That guy who makes all the funny noises from Police Academy? That woman who put the cat in the bin? We could bring Bob Hope in via a seance?

EXECUTIVE#2: I think we just have to concede, everybody in Hollywood is either inherently evil or not famous enough anymore.

EXECUTIVE#1: Let’s flip a coin, heads no host, tails we commit ritual seppuku for bringing dishonour to the Academy.

*Transcript ends*


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