Opium warns Cocaine that Gove is a “gateway twat”

Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Sachet of cocaine sues Michael Gove for breaching Non-Disclosure Agreement

Cocaine has today been warned that seemingly harmless dabbling in the snouts of insignificant twats, such as Michael Gove, could be a ‘dangerous gateway’ into being destroyed by Class A twats.

Whilst the drug thought that it was an excellent idea to rush excitedly past the septum of the goblin-like minister, one expert in particular has warned that it could easily be on a slippery slope to destroying its reputation.

Opium, a popular social companion at plush 18thcentury parties, passed on a wily word of caution to its modern day successor, after seeing its own reputation left in tatters by getting hooked on self-obsessed, twattishly indulgent romantic poets at the beginning of the 19thcentury.

Speaking to us today, Opium said it regretted its poet period.

“It all started in around 1880, when I started using the odd grandfather who was writing Limericks to amuse his grandchildren, before progressing through to people reading in church halls. Before I knew it, I was swilling around in the likes of Keats, Byron and Shelley. It escalated so quickly.”

“Everybody hated the lazy, drunken tossers spouting on about love and all of that shit, in their stupid big shirts and crappy hair. Once everyone realised they were acting like twats because of me, then nobody wanted me, I was shunned. I tried all-sorts to kick the habit, but even now, I would give anything for a bit of John Cooper Clarke or Pam Ayres. I know how hard it can be.”

Opium went on to warn Cocaine that, should it follow the same path, to not be surprised to find itself in the tissue residue of the likes of Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Theresa May or even Noel Edmonds.

“I hope beyond hope that it’s not too late. I am here for Cocaine, however hopeless it feels at the moment.”

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