Theresa May has returned from Strasbourg saying she has secured “legally-binding changes” to allay concerns over the Irish border backstop.
But she also has a number of other sweeteners to encourage MPs to vote for her transition deal to reach a trade deal or go into the specially reserved eternal backstop in hell. She waved in her hand a piece of paper on which she claims…
- Germany have conceded that, for Geoff Hurst’s third goal in the 1966 World Cup, the ball did completely cross the line, finally ending the years of controversy over whether it should have been counted as a goal.
- Car Manufacturers will continue to make right-hand drive cars for the UK.
- Snickers will be renamed to Marathons, Cif to Jif, Starbursts to Opal Fruits and the Mars bar will revert to the size it was when we joined the EU in 1971.
- Nigel Farage not be allowed to have a sexual relationship with any European citizen (it’s for his own good).
In addition, Theresa May made a small diversion on the return trip and has promised every MP voting for her deal will get a Duty Free exclusive Crunchy Almonds Toblerone.
In return for the these concessions, Theresa May has agreed to have the piece of paper visibly stuck on her back for a week with the reverse side showing. We’re reliably informed that it has, in big bold letters, the words “KICK ME” written on it.
Singapore’s Civil Aviation Authority has temporarily suspended the Boeing 737 Max fleet of aircraft from flying into and out of the country.
It now transpires that an emergency meeting of the cabinet held last night failed to get the necessary procedures in place to suspend the BAe 146 fleet of aircraft from flying into and out of the UK and, in failing to do so, enabled the RAF jet carrying Mrs May to return from Strasberg.