Speed limits are to be introduced on the motorway approach to a cross-channel port to prevent delays in the case of a no-deal Brexit, a leaked government report reveals.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Transport would neither confirm nor deny the leaked information. The spokesman, who asked for his name not to be revealed but who is called Donald Dimwitty-Longfart (you can see why he didn’t want it revealed), said, “It’s been very busy in the run up to 31stOctober. Also, Grant Shapps is a lazy bugger and too busy running his other businesses to help out around here. So, as a consequence, we’re still working off the contingency plans Homer* left us.
*’Homer’ refers to the Minister for Incompetence, and Homer Simpson look-alike Chris Grayling.
The spokesman added, “Homer’s plans are difficult enough to follow as they’re scribbled on the back of half a dozen ‘Peter’s Pasty’ wrappers. But those we do manage to figure out are just rubbish. It’s all well and good reducing the speed limit on roads that lead to ports but there are absolutely no plans to secure fuel supplies. If we do crash out of the EU we’ll have about twenty one days worth of fuel before we’ll have to revert to moving goods around the country using horses and carts.”
Reaction from City Councils with port facilities has been swift.
A Portsmouth City Council spokesman said, “The Hampshire Local Resilience Forum (LRF) has been preparing for a reasonable worst-case scenario.”
He added, “To this end we have rented 500 rickshaws and some lads with strong legs to move lighter goods from factories to the ports. For the heavier stuff, we’ve hired 50 hot air balloons. Also, we’ve been in touch with a supplier in Spain who has agreed to lease us 100 mules from Pedro’s Broke-Back Scabby Donkey Sanctuary near Seville. In the absence of diesel fuel, these mules will help shift the large number of illegal immigrants expected to flood in, once border cooperation with the French stops. These people can be ‘donkeyed’ away from the ports to the cities where they can help man the massive number of food banks we anticipate will be needed post Brexit.”