‘No-Boats’ ferry contract because “we’ll all need to muck in” post-Brexit. Also plans to retrain the SAS to pick fruit, and retrain supermarket workers to replace the SAS.

Politics, Popular Right Now

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has defended his decision to hire a business with no ships to provide extra ferry services in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Mr Grayling has revealed the controversial move is simply the first stage of a master plan to get the British public ready for the devastation that Brexit will bring.

“Under Brexit we will all need to muck in and turn our hand to whatever jobs need doing,” Mr Grayling explained. “And once the economy tanks, we’ll all need second jobs anyway – so we might as well start with these guys”.

A government document shows plans which include 10,000 supermarket workers spending six months training to join the SAS, while existing members of the SAS will be shortly be seconded to undergo a gruelling apprenticeship in fruit picking.

Grayling explained his decisions were all part of the government’s no-deal Brexit planning strategy.

“Our policy is based on the theory of Total Football made famous by Holland in the 1970s, and they nearly won the World Cup. Everyone has to be prepared chip in and fill the gaps.”

Mr Grayling had high praise for a group of primary school children from Woking for the enthusiasm they were showing at the start of their week-long session learning to fly jumbo jets.

Garth ApThomas

Written By: Garth ApThomas

Garth’s writing credits include “the world’s longest running live comedy show” NewsRevue in London – where he’s been a writer in the room – BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack and the History Makers podcast.
Read All Posts By Garth ApThomas