Nicola Sturgeon has launched the SNP election manifesto with a pledge to “escape Brexit and put Scotland’s future in Scotland’s hands”.
One of Ms Sturgeon’s aims is to protect Scotland from the Tories, by revamping Hadrian’s wall.
The fortification was built in 122 AD to protect the north-west frontier of the Roman Empire from the Northern Britons, but now the Scottish Prime Minister will reverse its original function, by protecting Scotland from invaders from the South.
The wall will be renovated and upgraded with a key Conservative party weakness, people in the working class.
Thousands of them will now cover the wall, and any Tories hoping to enter Scotland will have to contend with one of their biggest shortcomings, interacting with somebody who can’t afford to buy a house.
The wall was originally built to keep out murderous picts, so it should have no problem with a bunch of trust fund twats from Eton.
Ms Sturgeon said the country faced a “fundamental question” over who should decide its future.
That question being “A megalomaniac who’ll sell the NHS like a right cunt, or somebody who WON’T sell the NHS like a right cunt?”
She told the manifesto launch event in Glasgow: “A vote for the SNP is a vote to escape Brexit.”
Whereas a vote for the conservatives is a sign of declining mental stability.
Ms Sturgeon also proposed to call for the UK government to devolve powers over drug policy to the Scottish Parliament.
“Because, let’s be honest, even I feel the need to get blazed these days.”