DIY SOS host and I’m A Celebrity 2018 contestant Nick Knowles has received a six-month driving ban for speeding and using a phone at the wheel.
Presiding justice Declan Donnelly also sentenced Knowles to a dinner of raw kangaroo anus.
It was either that or a short spell in a tank of cockroaches, but magistrates advised that the cockroaches were already overworked and the kangaroo arse goes out of date soon.
Knowles reportedly ignored legal advice that he could ‘get by on a technicality’, instead choosing to represent himself and admit his illegal behaviour.
The writer of this article is tempted to make a lazy ‘DIY legal representation’ joke here, but you deserve better.
Accepting his sentence and promising to change his ways, Nick probably said one or all of the following:
“You’ve hit the nail on the head there!”
“That really hammers it home/drills it in/re-grouts the bathroom.”
Something about “…shelf-control…”
Knowles admitted that he’d fallen into the bad habit of checking texts while driving. He says he now puts his phone in the boot to avoid temptation.
Several bus drivers have tried to explain to Knowles that this is unnecessary, but he insists.
Instead of checking his phone, Nick has taken to whipping out his guitar and serenading commuters on the top deck.
While far from ideal, this is preferable to being regaled with tales of the time he jammed with Biffy Clyro.
In unrelated news, Gloucestershire traffic police report a steep rise in the number of buses being deliberately driven off bridges, into canals, or crashed into ‘basically anything to make it stop’.
Nick Knowles’ 2017 album of cover songs is available on all streaming services.
His scheduled follow-up of ‘Driving Rock Anthems’ has been pushed back indefinitely.