Thousands of patients across England have been left waiting months for treatment and surgeries.
These statistics are part of an ongoing crisis in the NHS that has developed over the past few years.
In order to combat waiting times, the NHS will introduce a daily raffle to decide who will get surgery that day.
The NHS believes that by leaving the decision entirely in the fate of the ‘just and non-partisan’ tombola, they will retain their Hippocratic standards and ethics.
Proceeds from the raffle will go to the Nurses working unpaid double shifts.
If a patient does not manage to get surgery that day, they are welcome to return as many times as possible, until they manage to get surgery, or the inevitable happens.
The NHS are aware that not everybody can take time off work for countless visits to the daily raffle, and are planning to partner with UK gambling site Foxy Bingo so that people may enter an electronic raffle. For a monthly subscription.
The Conservatives are also planning for the NHS to open an ‘elite members’ club, for wealthy dignitaries and representatives of American business groups. Elite members will be able to purchase as many tickets as they like with no limits, including the daily amount if they so wish. Even if they have no medical needs or planned surgeries.
While this may be seen as a controversial and morally repugnant act of capitalistic barbarism, the Conservatives have said that they are ‘probably sure’ that nobody will literally buy ‘all the available medicine.’