Next PM either man everyone calls ‘c**t’, or Jeremy.

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Conservative Party members will decide over the next month whether Jeremy Hunt or Boris Johnson will become party leader and Prime Minister.

In this contest between blokes with genital-adjacent surnames, there will only be one winner (and 66 million losers).

Hunt’s name has frequently been obscenely mispronounced on live television and radio.

Some presenters defend the mistake by saying ‘it rhymes’ – but even Bob Dylan would struggle to get ‘Jeremy’ to rhyme with ‘fucking disgrace of a health secretary’.

Having won the support of more than 50% of his colleagues this week, Boris Johnson is the favourite to succeed Theresa May.

This is the political equivalent of being given the all-clear from cancer, only to be run down by a bin lorry on your way home.

Elsewhere in the Conservative Party, Mark Field has been suspended as a Foreign Office minister after assaulting a Greenpeace protester.

Just a day later, Boris Johnson’s neighbours report hearing him say ‘hold my beer’.

Hunt has posted a letter to Johnson on Twitter, promising to debate him ‘anytime anywhere on live tv’.

The viewing figures for tomorrow night’s episode of Love Island are expected to hit an all-time low.

In his bid for leadership, Hunt has urged his party not to choose a ‘populist’.

The concern is valid, as Johnson – who was educated at Eton and Oxford, has the middle name ‘de Pfeffel’, is a descendant of King George II and has an income in excess of £300,000 a year – can clearly only be described as a ‘man of the people’.

(Additional material by Jake Mackintosh)
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