Newcastle United fans astounded by Mike Ashley’s compassion and understanding

Health, Lifestyle and Family, World News
Mike Ashley- Sports Direct's House of Fraser Purchase was a mistake, and I'm an enormous mug

Fans of Premier League club Newcastle United have said that they are ‘absolutely flabbergasted’ at the level of understanding that Mike Ashley has shown towards his employees.

The Prime Minister announced last night that ‘all but essential services’ would close down and that only key businesses should remain open.

This led to Mr Ashley claiming that Sports Direct is an essential service and, therefore, forced staff to stay at work, risking their lives, their family’s lives and their customers’ lives.

However, despite this prioritisation of his own wealth over the health of the nation, fans of Newcastle United, which he has owned since 2007, have said that they expected worse.

“I really can’t believe Mike has behaved like this, it’s a softer side of him that we haven’t seen before. I just hope that this continues beyond the current crisis,” one fan told us today.

“I would have thought that he would have asked everyone to come in and simply slaughtered those who coughed, before grinding their bodies into pulp and flushing them down the toilet.”

Mr Ashley has a history of treating staff badly and was at the centre of a recent TV documentary, during which he was shown strangling a whole family because their son had taken a day off after being run over by a tractor.

In another scene, he burned down the flat of a customer who had tried to return an oversized mug because it was chipped, resulting in the whole block being destroyed, leading to the deaths of 14 people.

However, being a billionaire under a Tory government exonerated him of any blame.

“I just can’t believe he’s changed,” enthused the fan, “I really can’t wait for the crisis to be over. The new season is going to be cracking.”

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