The most senior woman in the civil service is poised to become the next Chief Executive of Ofcom, the UK’s media and telecoms regulator. The 53-year-old is currently permanent secretary at the Ministry of housing, Communities and Local Government.
“I’m delighted to be taking up this new challenge,” crowed Dawes, “And promise that under my stewardship fuck all will happen till I retire to the House of Lords with a huge pension. My track record speaks for itself. For example, look at housing… fuck all done with me at the helm. I see no reason why I shouldn’t be able to maintain my strategy of apathy and lethargy with a fatter salary and sitting in a different chair.”
Melanie Dawes succeeds the outgoing Chief Executive Sharon White. As porters carried her from her office in a golden Sedan chair, White was full of praise for Dawes.
“I know I’ve set the bar high and will be a hard act to follow, but that said, Dawes is a legend in her own free-lunchtime. She’s even more ineffectual and bone idle than I am,” said White between mouthfuls of Champagne and Caviar paid for by the taxpayer, “Mind you, she’ll have to look after herself. All those business lunches and trips funded by Rupert Murdoch will soon take their toll on her health. I know it did on mine. I’ve got gout. That’s why these poltroons have to carry me everywhere at the taxpayers’ expense.”
When quizzed on the plans Dawes intends to implement to better control UK’s communications and the media, Dawes said, “My strategy is one of sitting and waiting for my pension, whilst enjoying some very nice lunches.”
When told articles suggesting that she’s a ‘waste of skin’ have gone viral on the Internet, Dawes said, “What’s the internet?”