New NHS plan focuses on prevention, as budget cuts mean all illnesses now reclassified as ‘incurable’

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New NHS plan focuses on prevention as budget cuts mean all illnesses now reclassified as ‘incurable’

NHS bosses in England say a new 10-year plan could save up to 500,000 lives by focusing on prevention.

A chronic shortage of NHS resources means that for all practical purposes it’s now impossible to actually cure anybody of anything.

A new government advertising campaign will soon be launched with the tag line, “Illness – it’s your fault!”

An accompanying video will show someone dying of stomach cancer while a voiceover says, “If only the stupid idiot didn’t eat so much processed meat.”

GPs, mental health and community care will get the biggest funding increases.

Some surgeries may even be able to put the heating on for up to half an hour a day in the middle of winter.

The aim is to curb the reliance on hospitals, which will get a smaller cut of the budget.

Hospitals will simply become warehouses for the incurably sick where prevention strategies have failed. On site branches of Costa and WH Smith will no longer be necessary and will be replaced by more extensive incineration facilities.

Many trusts are missing all three key waiting time targets for A&E, cancer care and routine operations.

The Government has come up with a rather brilliant way of addressing this issue – remove the targets! If you haven’t prevented yourself getting a brain tumour by eating loads of tomatoes or whatever then you’ve had your chips matey.

You’ll essentially just be put on a carousel like in Logan’s Run where they murder everyone over thirty.

While some medical professionals have welcomed the plan’s ambition, unions have warned that workforce shortages could undermine the programme – currently one in 11 posts is vacant.

Many patients wait weeks for a GP appointment only to be seen by one of these vacant posts. Theresa May has promised that the new plan will increase the number of empty chairs available to address patient concerns on a timely basis.

Chris Ballard

Written By: Chris Ballard

Chris has literally months of experience as a comedy writer. He has had sketch and oneliner credits on BBC’s Newsjack, is a certified writer on Comedywire and has written over 100 articles for various satire sites. He lives in Kent where he is cared for by his wife and two children. One day his wife will laugh at something he has written.
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