New Health Secretary backs ‘GP at Hand’ App. Works like Tinder – if the doctor swipes right, you live.

Health, Science and Tech

Meanwhile, it was revealed today that new Health Secretary Matt Hancock – the man who’s meant to be fighting for our NHS tooth and nail – doesn’t even have his own doctor…!

Matt, the man who puts the cock in “Which cock’s trying to destroy the NHS now?” is aptly named, as he has both a hand (two actually!) and a cock.

Rumours are that he did once try to sign up at his local GP’s practice, but failed the medical when they couldn’t find a heartbeat.

He’s one of 22,000 early-adopters who’ve ditched their local GP in favour of the ‘GP at Hand’ App – which offers free video consultations with a doctor via your smartphone.

It’s a simple app, you describe your symptom to the doctor, if he swipes right you live…

The dream is that one day visiting your GP will be something you save for emergencies, the reality is that it’ll soon become just another way for men to distribute their dick pics.

While Hancock’s got his eye on the future, the rest of the NHS is stuck firmly in the 80s – with a report today revealing 85 trusts are still reliant on Fax Machines.

A spokesman blamed the speed of the machines – explaining: “We’ve still got referrals from 10 years ago coming through – we can’t switch them off until everything’s printed out”.

It’s thought that the faxes operate like background radiation and will echo throughout the universe for all eternity – or at least until Geoff from down the road gets to the top of the waiting list and finally gets his dicky hip fixed.

NHS hospitals are also still using an estimated 130,000 pagers – that’s 93% of the pagers still working across the UK.

Although tech-savvy Hancock claims to have secured a deal to replace these pagers with a batch of Nokia 3210s – each with 100 anytime minutes, and unlimited lives on Snake.

That’s all from The News Dump today – but come back tomorrow, and find out how many different people Trump can offend before he’s even stepped off the plane.

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Adam Hunt

Written By: Adam Hunt

TV Producer (The One Show, Big Brother, Mel and Sue), Comedy Writer (Sitcoms and Sketches in development), Founder member of 'A Better Kind Of Funny', and creator of The News Dump.
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