Nation shocked at revelation Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson might lack the common touch

Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Multiple Father's Day parties, keep Boris away from televised debates

In what’s sure to be a blow to the self-styled man of the people, a recently uncovered article penned by the Prime Minister in 1995 described the working class as “Feckless, Lazy, Criminal, Aimless and Drunk”

A spokesman for number 10 was quick to defend the remarks “Look, he was only 31 when he wrote this, for an Etonian, that’s a mental age of 11. They mature very, very slowly.”

“As you can probably tell from his ducking the Andrew Neil interview, his balls have yet to drop.”

Johnson himself explained “Look, these remarks have been taken out of context; obviously, now they’re cast me in a bad light, I wasn’t really saying those things, if I’d have known they might come back to haunt me I would never have said those things.”

Working class man John Timms was quoted as saying “I know you  shouldn’t judge a book by it’s 5 part name, but fuck this guy.”

Timms added “It’s a mathematical certainty that his ancestors forced my ancestors work in the acid mines.”

The Prime Minister went on to appeal directly to disenfranchised working class voters “Yes, you’re criminals, so am I. You might have stolen a few cars, broke into a few houses, knocked your wife about… I illegally prorogued parliament, banged a blonde woman who I subsequently paid off with public money, and remember when the police had to come because I was screaming at my partner so loudly? We’re the same.”

“You might complain about earning minimum wage and having to use food banks to live, similarly I faced all sorts of questions about earning chickenfeed – a measly £250,000 – for a 2nd job for a national newspaper and how it was a massive conflict of interest.”

“We’re like peas in a pod.” He added.

“Now get back to your special brew, learn your place and stop asking questions.”

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