M&S clothing sales slide as more pensioners become full time nudists

Business
M&S clothing sales slide as more pensioners become full time nudists

Marks and Spencer profits dropped in the first half of its financial year following a sharp fall in demand for its clothing line.

This fall has come directly from pensioners refusing to buy any clothes and brandishing their nude bodies in city centres across the UK. Previously, pensioners had flirted with nudism in their own shower or the swimming pool changing rooms. The current warm climate has encouraged many old people to take the next step into making it a full-time role.

M&S said that while its food business was “outperforming the market”, there had been issues in clothing.

Food is booming, as pensioners want full and healthy bodies to display to the nation. May Scott, 89, New Hampshire, commented “I always pop to M&S to buy only the best fruit and veg. I spend about £60 a week to keep this booty looking tight.”

June Samual, 74, added “I was livid when Michael from the cards club had a look in my M&S basket and made a crass comment about my baps and melons. He’s taken up a nudist lifestyle himself now, so I’m following him round the fridge aisle waiting for him to grab a sausage.”

Considering like-for-like sales, M&S food grew by 0.9%, ahead of a forecast 0.3% rise.

M&S are famous for their premium picnic food, perfect for pensioners who wish to live by the coast for their health. However, according to recent reports, health professionals have had to warn individuals against moving to the sea, due to thousands relocating to Brighton Naturist Beach.

Retail expert Richard Hyman told BBC Radio Four’s Today programme: “I think Marks and Spencer customers are not interested in price, as much as relevance. Making clothes cheaper is not the answer.

“Stopping clothes production entirely is. Shoes and gloves are all M&S needs to sell to get back in business. I’d also recommend they begin investing instead in chafing cream and blindfolds for the grandchildren of their customers.”

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