The popularity of the 16-year-old Swedish activist’s uncompromising message on the danger of climate change has led to a boom in the sale of “Greta” merchandise online but analysis suggests that much of it is either shipped from China or made from materials that may damage the planet.
“The Thunberg crap is selling faster than we can knock it out,” boasted the Greta merchandise franchise owner, Mr. R Thurdaley, “We’re having to have this shit flown in specially from China to meet demand. We’re shipping truckloads of the stuff all over the country. It’s costing me a fortune in diesel but the profit is phenomenal.
Thurdaley added, “The kids are going bonkers for anything with Greta’s ‘one eye shut and frowning’ mush on it. I’m creaming it in. With the money I’ve made so far I’ve bought my own private jet! The other side of Christmas I should have enough to retire and buy my own Formula 1 sports car then travel the world racing it.”
Thurdaley then listed the items that were the top sellers in his ‘Save the planet Greta’ says ‘How Dare You!!’ range of cheap Chinese manufactured shite. These included his top 5 items in descending order of sales as follows:
- ‘How Dare You!!’ branded plastic mug – Made from cub seal oil.
- ‘All Politicians are Twats’ branded onesie – Hand stitched in Vietnamese sweatshops by blind monks.
- ‘Guzzle it down while U can’ branded plastic bottles of glacier melt water – Teams of Russians with blowtorches go out collecting the stuff fresh every day.
- ‘Save our oceans’ branded plastic inflatable dolphins – Big seller because a) the kids love ‘em, and b) the plastic is so shit it bursts when inflated.
- ‘Live on your knees’ branded kneepads – Made from real elephant’s knees. Teams of poachers kill the elephants, cut off their legs, hollow out the knees then preserve them with toxic chemicals
Of the latter, Thurdaley said, “The knee pads are especially good. I bought some for when I’m on the kitchen floor with the misses.”