One in seven young adults expect to inherit money before they are 35, relying on that cash to pay for a deposit on a first home.
Millennials are not only waiting on a lucrative inheritance to get on the property ladder but they also have to rummage through mum and dad’s kitchen bin in order to find food.
“Bin juice smells bad but surely it’s all just broken down fruit and vegetables and must therefore be quite nutritious,” one millennial told us in between severe bouts of vomiting and diarrhoea. “And it’s free!
“Also, dad often cooks far too much for Sunday lunch – sometimes I’m even able to invite friends around for an end-of-weekend dinner party. We sit on the floor of the garage, listening to the TV through the wall and sucking chicken bones. It sounds bleak but it’s only until my folks cark it and I get the house.
“Also, fighting off the foxes is quite good fun, as long as you don’t mind having frequent tetanus shots.”
Statistics show that the median average amount inherited by children is only £11,000, nowhere near enough for a housing deposit.
“I’d love to be able to earn enough myself to save for a deposit,” said another young adult. “But the only work I could get was this unpaid internship. And I was only able to make myself presentable for the interview by borrowing my father’s suit, finding an old toothbrush behind the toilet and scraping spat out toothpaste off the taps.”
In reality the typical inheritance age is between 55 and 64.
“I love my parents more than words can express,” said a twenty-five year old who did not want to be identified as Tom Garrard from Sevenoaks. “But it would be really handy if they could die of cancer or something. You know, soon.”