A member of the landed aristocracy has denied taking his family to a downmarket restaurant chain, claiming he was engaged in coitus with a minor at the time..
The Viscount of Puddington, Simon de Pfeffel Delamere, seventh cousin to the Queen, insists he has an alibi for the 10th of March, 2001, when multiple witnesses say they saw him slumming it at the Woking branch of Pizza Hut,
Carrying a bowl clearly overflowing with potato salad and coleslaw, which was supported by a flimsy cucumber-slice perimeter.
This comes just days after Prince Andrew faced similar accusation during an interview with Emily Maitlis
“These accusations are entirely without foundation,” Delamere told reporters.
“For someone of my stature and reputation, well, let’s say certain standards are expected. I would never dare set foot inside a Pizza Hut and risk humiliating my family with all-you-can-eat offers on a Deep Crust “Spicy Hot One.”
“I may be an incorrigible nonce, the evidence is there for all to see, but I’m not the kind of scummy bastard who never eats the crust and makes repeated trips to the salad bar because it’s free.”
“That said, I would be only too happy to pay extra for the middle class ambience of the Pizza Express dining experience. Their dough balls in garlic butter are something to hang yourself in suspicious circumstances for.”
“As it happens, I remember the 10th of March vividly because it was the fifteenth birthday of the girl I was seeing, although she looked several years older, obviously. My bad, as they say.”
Delamere now admits he has subjected his family to unwanted intrusion and a hugely painful ordeal, but that’s enough about Jeffrey Epstein’s parties. He added.