Michael Gove has entered the race to be the next Conservative Party leader.
He has treated himself a top-of-the-range knife sharpening block in preparation for the contest.
The environment secretary and leading Brexiteer confirmed he was putting his name forward as he became MP no. 8 to launch a bid to be Theresa May’s successor.
Gove, expertly spinning a machete in one hand and a cleaver in the other, said rumours of him attending a knife-throwing range were completely untrue, as he prefers to get up close and personal to someone before knifing them in the back.
Mr Gove confirmed he would run to “deliver Brexit” and unite the party.
He also confirmed he was the man in which the bloodshed would be highest, with arterial splatter expected to spread across the Cabinet war room in a way that makes ‘Game of Thrones’ look like a papercut.
His decision to enter the race echoes the 2016 contest, when he faced off against Mr Johnson for the leadership.
Of course, he should easily have won, as he had many more faces.
At that time, he faced allegations of betrayal after withdrawing support from Mr Johnson and running for leader himself.
Many MPs said it was not actually an act of betrayal, being as it was Mr Gove’s entire modus operandi.
The tactic eventually helped to end both men’s chances of becoming prime minister.
The failure of both of them resulted in the country breathing a tremendous sigh of relief, correctly believing they’d just missed out on what would have been a horrendous outcome for the UK.
Little did they know, they were only delaying the inevitable.